Just an update...

I was thinking lately that it's been a while since I have really thought about Oakley.  I have been SOOO busy with work - working 10 hr days, sometimes 11 hrs; my mind has been focused on other things. Looking through his pictures make me smile, but also makes me very sad.  I don't think the hurt will ever really go away. 

Our new puppy was born on August 13th.  John and I are very excited to welcome him into our family and love him just as fiercely as we did Oakley, and how we do with Maya.  I know he will be so much different, but we are looking forward to the happiness and energy a young dog will bring to our lives, and of course the love, and to see what kind of dog he grows up to be.

Thinking of you, Oaks!!

Some big news!

John and I put a deposit down for a male German Shepard yesterday.  We went and visited a kennel/training facility just outside of St. Peter.  We were very impressed by Mark and his GSDs and his overall philosphy towards training, teaching and raising the breed.  He was very knowledgable and kind.  His dogs were all so beautiful with wonderful temperaments - very unique.  We stand a very good chance at getting a puppy as we were the 2nd couple to put down a deposit for a male on the 2nd of two litters coming up in August.  So, if all goes well, we'll have a new member of the family by the first week of October or so!

I still think about Oakley every day and miss him terribly.  Just last night, we ordered chinese food and when the door bell rang, I instintively waited for Oakley to start barking like crazy and barrel down the stairs to the front door.  Then it dawned on me the reality of it and I realized that was not going to happen.  No one has ringed the doorbell since he has been gone, so it was a shock when it didn't happen.  I had just about been ready to shout his name - it was a bit depressing to say the least.


Love ya, Oakley!



 

Recent "goings on"...

Looking at those pictures in my last blog just now brought a huge wave of sadness and tears.  God, I miss Oakley.  What the hell is wrong with me?!  I still feel like there this this giant hole in my heart.  My home at times still feels so lonely and sad.  Maya actually seems especially depressed.  I'm not sure she can do well as a single dog.  We were on the verge of taking in a dog from an acquaintence of mine who could no longer keep her dog.  He isn't the type of dog I would ever consider adopting and it's been a struggle making a decision like this.  She had originally brought him to the St. Paul AHS who deemed him not adoptable and were going to euthanize him the other day until she went back and brought him home.  They claimed he was mean and aggressive, which apparently was news to my friend.  I met him yesterday and it was so far from the truth.  He actually came back rail thin with sores on his mouth and elbows.  I have no idea what that poor dog went through while being at the AHS.  It kind of frightens me.  He is an absolute sweetie, a bit high energy, but he's not even 2 yet.  It turns for now that someone else is going to take him.  If it doesn't work out, then we'll probably take him, although, I'm not sure he's a good match only because Maya is not as limber and active as she used to be.  But, it could bring her out of her funk.  I don't know what will happen, but there is a possibility he will end up in our household.  John isn't quite ready, and I'm not sure that I really am either, but if I need to foster him for a bit, that would be fine.  We'll see what happens this week.

Anyway, I still miss ya buddy.  I don't think it will ever go away.  John and I cooked up a crab/shrimp boil yesterday an I wanted to bad to be able to give Oakley a little corn on the cob and some beef sausage.  He would have loved that so much!

Some recent pics of Oakley before he passed

Here's Oakley sneaking a peek at the neighbor dog who loved to torment him through the fence.

Aw, what a sweet boy!

Just spending some time on the deck.

This picture was actually taken 2 days before his death.  One look at him and you would never think that he was sick...although in this picture he was having difficulty breathing and not eating.  This was pretty much right before I brought him to the UofM and he ended up being admitted to ICU.  I never imagined that his life would be over in the next 48 hrs, and that pneumonia was ultimately going to be what ended his life.

Oakley - you are beautiful and so handsome and you were taken from me much too soon!  I miss you so much!  I don't think I will ever stop wishing that I could turn back the clock and react sooner to what was happening.  I know I can't feel guilty, but it is so hard not to feel that.  I keep trying to remind myself that they found the cancer in your lymphnodes and most likely in your lungs, too, and that maybe it was better that you went this way.  Please know that what we did was out of love for you and so that you wouldn't suffer any more.  I tried everything that I could for you.  

Okay, I've had a minor set back...looking at these pictures perhaps wasn't a good idea, afterall.

Life just continues on its way...

It's amazing how life just doesn't stop, not even for the most tragic of things, even though so badly you want it to stop and rewind, or just make it seem like other people are not oblivious to your pain.   The pain of losing Oakley has subsided for the most part, although seeing certain pictures or thinking of certain memories are still capable of making me cry.  Last Friday, I picked up Oakley's ashes.  It was bittersweet to say the least in the sense that I hated that he was now just a box of dust, however, it felt like he was home again as I held what was left of him in my arms, close to my heart.  I cried for him, sitting in my car, wishing so much I could actually be hugging him close and giving him as many kisses as I could, burying my face in his neck.  John and I will be searching for a little box or urn of some sort.  I don't care what some people say, I would like to hang on to his ashes for awhile.

Last night was the 4th.  We usually take both dogs for a walk as we have a great place to watch the city's fireworks display in the neighborhood park.  It felt so strange for the 2 of us to just be walking Maya - no Oakley walking in front of John, and Maya in front of me, as was the normal way of things.  Walks are still very subdued; the excitement of them isn't the same without Oakley, who was always wanting to check out everything no matter how many times he's walked that same route.  Our little family has changed, that is for sure, and it's still taking some time to get used to it. 

You will always be in my heart, Oakley.  My special dog and companion, forever and ever.

Sara

1 week today...:(

Oakley,

It has been one full week since we lost you.  My heart still aches, but the pain is subsiding.  I don't want to ever forget you.  I will admit that it's a relief not to have the stress of constant worry nagging at me at every corner - are you going to eat your dinner, are you in pain, when is the cancer going to take you, will the alternative therapies work, etc.  Of course, if I could have you back I certainly wouldn't be complaining.  I would much rather have you here to take care of, to get lots of hugs and kisses from you, and to just keep me company and be by my side. 

It's been so quiet around here; I worry a bit about Maya, but she seems to be doing better each day and coming out of that shell of hers.  I am not sure when we will decide on getting another dog.  A part of me now just wants it to be the 3 of us as I think Maya would be fine on her own.  But, I do miss having a dog that loves attention, and loves to be the center of it!  LOL!  It was always about Oakley!  :)

I'm going to be working on a scrapbook soon.  I'd like to make an actual book of pictures of you, and all of us, throughout the 9 yrs we shared with you.  I received my books today about how animals do have eternal life.  I am looking forward to reading them and I hope they make me feel somewhat better.  I really want to believe with all my heart that I will see you again someday.


I still miss you and I will always love you, "Okie".


Sara

I miss you...more than ever

My Oakley-Doakley,

The last 3 days have been the most difficult of my life.  It is so hard not to have you here by my side, as you always were.  Maya is not herself and John is beyond crushed.  We are all so heartbroken that you are gone.  We love you so much.  We received a sympathy card from Dr. Johnston, the doctor who took care of you at the U.  We were blessed to have such a kind and caring person taking care of you.  I spoke to her yesterday and she helped me understand that we truly did everything that we could for you.  I didn't want you to suffer any more than you were; it wasn't possible to reverse what was inevitably happening.  Please know that I tried everything I could, my sweet boy. 

It comes in waves; deep sadness and lots of tears.  I feel like I am fine, but then all of a sudden I think of you and the tears start streaming down my face.  I have woken up sobbing - missing you so much that I can barely breathe.  I think how is it possible that you were taken from me so young.   I can't help but think that you were still just my little pup and had so much life to live.  It just seemed impossible that one day I was going to actually lose you.  Home just doesn't feel like home without you here.  It feels unfamiliar and strange.  I know it will get better and the sadness will subside, but I would give anything to be able to hold you one more time and give you a great big hug and kiss and tell you that I love you.  But, I know that wherever you are that you are happy; I have to believe that.   I'm sure that you are making many new friends and waiting patiently to see us again.  

You are forever in my heart, my Oakers.  We all miss you so much!!

April 12, 2001 - June 21, 2010 - Rest in Peace my Angel

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.  I lost my best friend and companion.  I still cannot believe that he is gone.  He had been sick for the past week and a 1/2.  Not eating, a bit of labored breathing.  I think my mistake was not taking him to the U right away; instead I went to our regular vet again.  I hate to blame myself, but you have to wonder if you'd have done something different, would it have made a difference.  But, I just didn't think that in less than a week's time after this visit that Oakley would be gone.  She did xrays, bloodwork, etc, and put him on some antibiotics as his WBC was up to 29.  We were not sure if it was the cancer or something else; we thought it was something else because it sort of just came out of nowhere.  Oakley had been doing so well so it was a surprise that he got sick like this.

My regular vet wanted to take a wait and see approach and see if he improved with the antibiotics.  Unfortunately, he wouldn't eat enough to take the pills down.  By this past Saturday he seemed miserable; He was "abdominal" breathing and his nasal cavity was quite congested.  I decided he need to go to the U immediately.  He was admitted to ICU for the next 2 days and ended up going into an oxygen cage after the first night because he couldn't pull in enough oxygen.  They also repeated xrays and bloodwork, and gave him fluids and antibiotics continuously via IV and biopsied his lymphnodes, which were very enlarged.  Of course, we had to wait for Monday for any real answers to the tests they took as the radiologist and cytologist were not available on the weekends.  But, our internal medicine doctor, Dr. Andrea Johnston, who was just so wonderful, said that it it looked like he had aspiration pneumonia based on the lung pattern.  He was completely dependent of the oxygen and couldn't be removed from it.  They had to put in a catheter because they couldn't even take him out to go potty anymore; he couldn't walk 2 feet without his tongue turning blue/gray.  They continued to provide supportive care and kept him in his oxygen tank, but there was just no improvements.

Monday morning we got the results that the cancer was in both lymphnodes and it appeared possible that it had metastasized to the lungs as well, but they were not 100% sure on that.  What ultimately was killing him was the pneumonia, I think.  The next set of diagnostic testing was to test the sputum in his lungs.  However, the doctor did not think Oakley could handle the procedure given that he was continuing to decline and showing no increased lung function.  At this point, I asked her if there was any chance he would make it or if we need to consider to stop.  She said that stopping was probably the humane thing to do.  His body is just not able fight it; he is already immune-compromised because of the cancer and that is most likely why he couldn't fight off the pneumonia.  So, my husband and I went to the U to spend some time with him, to hold him and give him lots of hugs and kisses.  He recognized us and he gave me a kiss, but otherwise, he was just not himself.  I know though he would have wanted to go home if we told him that was where we were taking him.

At 11:15, Oakley died peacefully in my arms.  I said to him as he passed what a beautiful and wonderful dog he was and thanked him for the past 9 yrs, and I told him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him.  To be with him in the end is the only thing giving me any kind of peace about this.  I know that he didn't die alone and I hope he had some kind of comfort knowing I was there.  I know we tried everything that we could.  Sometimes it is just not enough, but at least we tried.  Once he passed, they rolled him into another room where myself, my husband and our other dog, Maya, could say our goodbyes.  Maya sniffed him and I think she understood it was him and that he was gone, but who's to say.  Otherwise, my husband and I spent our time crying, giving him his final hugs and kisses.  We were able to take some locks of his hair, and they provided us with a little clay mold of his paw print with his name stamped into it.  He will be cremated and we will get his ashes in a couple of weeks.

There are so many memories of Oakley.  We have had him since he was 6 weeks old.  I'm so grateful for the number of pictures I have of him; 100s upon 100s, and a handful of videos.  A lot of life has been lived; it went by so fast.  My home right now does not feel like home anymore without Oakley in it.  It's empty and cold.  I am sure it will get better as we replace these sad times with happy memories of him, but it's hard nonetheless to be here.  No more smiling face to greet me each morning.  No smiling face looking down from me on the stairs as I walk in the door each night.  No more barks for food, water, or walks, or just for a good rub-down.  No more of those cute little head tilts every time you talked to him making it seem like he understood everything that you said to him.  And frankly, no more daily conversations with him.  Oakley was so smart, and I swear he knew what we were saying.  I am going to miss everything about him.  My heart is truly in a million pieces. 

Oakley, you were truly special and amazing.  You brought us such happiness and love into our lives.  We could never have asked for a better dog.  You were perfect in every way.  You weren't just a dog;  You were our boy, our sweet boy.  You will be forever loved and in our hearts.  We miss you so much!!!


John, Sara & Maya

First 2010 update - Started the Neoplasene treatment

I did start Oakley on the Neoplasene treatment on December 31st.  This incorporates a pretty big change in his diet.  Prior to starting, I had to transition him to a raw diet:  raw meats and veggies.  The veggies however, I tend to cook though.  I also transitioned Maya to the same diet - just easier that way.  It is a lot of work, but hopefully will get easier as I get my own system down and prepare foods in advance, etc.

So, basically, I did go with contacting Michelle Yasson in Kingston, NY.  I had my 1st phone appt on December 23rd.  It went well, she was very nice and answered all my questions.  Explained the treatment, went over everything.  I do have to get him off his Piroxicam, which I am a bit leery of doing.  I'm scared that this drug is what is keeping the tumor from getting bigger at the moment.  The thing is is that the Neo is supposed to destroy the tumor anyway.

He takes the Neo in his food - it is a nasty, bitter liquid that is quite astringent tasting.  The difficult part is hiding the flavor in the food, but so far I think I have been doing a good job of that.  Using Neo on a regular dry dog food diet is just not possible.  You have to feed raw, raw/cooked, or cooked diets.  The drug can also cause nausea, especially at the higher doses.  To start he is to have 1.0cc twice per day.  I started him out at .5cc 2x/day, then .6cc, and today I'm going to do .7cc 2xday.  I didn't want to just throw him into a full dose without knowing if he will react right off the bat.  Before I feed him his breakfast and dinner, I prep his tummy by giving him a small yogurt mixture mixed with DGL tablets and a Slippery Elm supplment.  This is to help prevent the nausea.  If this doesn't work for him as he gets into the higher dosing, I will probably have no choice but to have him use the Reglan (antinausea med that can be described).  I hope though that the all-natural approach works out well.

As far as using his Piroxicam, we are slowly working him off it.  He is now only taking it every other day for the past 4 days.  Today we skip.  I noticed already this morning, that he did a quick huffing/snuffy noise after his yogurt.   He hasn't done that since the end of November.  I am concerned that after skipping his piroxicam the other day that his symptom returned, but it's very likely that the Neo that I have given him is actually starting to work on the tumor.  I was told that we would see a return of the symptoms as the tumor and cancel cells are being killed off and the body works to get rid of the dead cells.  If this is the case, it makes sense that he would have some irritation in his nasal/sinus passages.  Let's hope this is why he did it.

Our big fear is that we may end up shortening his life by trying this therapy when maybe if we didn't pursue it we could keep him with us for another year or so.  I guess it is a gamble.  There are a lot of success stories, in which this helps prolong the animal's life and even cure the cancer where it doesn't return.  The FDA only approves this in veterinary use and the Neo is only considered a supplement.  They should be doing human studies, IMO.  I don't know the success of doing this with the type of cancer that Oakley has, but Michelle Yasson has been treating another dog with Oakley's type of cancer now for 7 months and she said that so far there has been no progression of the disease.  I am at least going to try this for 2-3 months and then see about getting some type of xray, possibly another CT, but I'm kind of ruling that out at the moment, and see if there is any way to find out if the tumor has shrunk at all. 

I have also found a local holistic vet in Blaine to help.  They are so nice there and I'm hoping we will have the support we need to help us through the treatment if we need it.  At least one of the vets there has heard of the Neoplasene and they have heard positive things about it.  I am working on trying to find a way if there is a way to dilute the Neo that we have and somehow get Oakley to inhale it, like a mist or something, through his nose.  This might require sedation.  But, I'm still researching and have to talk to Yasson. 

Well, I have to get the dogs' breakfast ready and administer Oakley's supplements and the Neo.  Will keep everyone updated on our progress.  Please say some prayers that we might have a fighting chance to beat this cancer!