Just an update...

I was thinking lately that it's been a while since I have really thought about Oakley.  I have been SOOO busy with work - working 10 hr days, sometimes 11 hrs; my mind has been focused on other things. Looking through his pictures make me smile, but also makes me very sad.  I don't think the hurt will ever really go away. 

Our new puppy was born on August 13th.  John and I are very excited to welcome him into our family and love him just as fiercely as we did Oakley, and how we do with Maya.  I know he will be so much different, but we are looking forward to the happiness and energy a young dog will bring to our lives, and of course the love, and to see what kind of dog he grows up to be.

Thinking of you, Oaks!!

Some big news!

John and I put a deposit down for a male German Shepard yesterday.  We went and visited a kennel/training facility just outside of St. Peter.  We were very impressed by Mark and his GSDs and his overall philosphy towards training, teaching and raising the breed.  He was very knowledgable and kind.  His dogs were all so beautiful with wonderful temperaments - very unique.  We stand a very good chance at getting a puppy as we were the 2nd couple to put down a deposit for a male on the 2nd of two litters coming up in August.  So, if all goes well, we'll have a new member of the family by the first week of October or so!

I still think about Oakley every day and miss him terribly.  Just last night, we ordered chinese food and when the door bell rang, I instintively waited for Oakley to start barking like crazy and barrel down the stairs to the front door.  Then it dawned on me the reality of it and I realized that was not going to happen.  No one has ringed the doorbell since he has been gone, so it was a shock when it didn't happen.  I had just about been ready to shout his name - it was a bit depressing to say the least.


Love ya, Oakley!



 

Recent "goings on"...

Looking at those pictures in my last blog just now brought a huge wave of sadness and tears.  God, I miss Oakley.  What the hell is wrong with me?!  I still feel like there this this giant hole in my heart.  My home at times still feels so lonely and sad.  Maya actually seems especially depressed.  I'm not sure she can do well as a single dog.  We were on the verge of taking in a dog from an acquaintence of mine who could no longer keep her dog.  He isn't the type of dog I would ever consider adopting and it's been a struggle making a decision like this.  She had originally brought him to the St. Paul AHS who deemed him not adoptable and were going to euthanize him the other day until she went back and brought him home.  They claimed he was mean and aggressive, which apparently was news to my friend.  I met him yesterday and it was so far from the truth.  He actually came back rail thin with sores on his mouth and elbows.  I have no idea what that poor dog went through while being at the AHS.  It kind of frightens me.  He is an absolute sweetie, a bit high energy, but he's not even 2 yet.  It turns for now that someone else is going to take him.  If it doesn't work out, then we'll probably take him, although, I'm not sure he's a good match only because Maya is not as limber and active as she used to be.  But, it could bring her out of her funk.  I don't know what will happen, but there is a possibility he will end up in our household.  John isn't quite ready, and I'm not sure that I really am either, but if I need to foster him for a bit, that would be fine.  We'll see what happens this week.

Anyway, I still miss ya buddy.  I don't think it will ever go away.  John and I cooked up a crab/shrimp boil yesterday an I wanted to bad to be able to give Oakley a little corn on the cob and some beef sausage.  He would have loved that so much!

Some recent pics of Oakley before he passed

Here's Oakley sneaking a peek at the neighbor dog who loved to torment him through the fence.

Aw, what a sweet boy!

Just spending some time on the deck.

This picture was actually taken 2 days before his death.  One look at him and you would never think that he was sick...although in this picture he was having difficulty breathing and not eating.  This was pretty much right before I brought him to the UofM and he ended up being admitted to ICU.  I never imagined that his life would be over in the next 48 hrs, and that pneumonia was ultimately going to be what ended his life.

Oakley - you are beautiful and so handsome and you were taken from me much too soon!  I miss you so much!  I don't think I will ever stop wishing that I could turn back the clock and react sooner to what was happening.  I know I can't feel guilty, but it is so hard not to feel that.  I keep trying to remind myself that they found the cancer in your lymphnodes and most likely in your lungs, too, and that maybe it was better that you went this way.  Please know that what we did was out of love for you and so that you wouldn't suffer any more.  I tried everything that I could for you.  

Okay, I've had a minor set back...looking at these pictures perhaps wasn't a good idea, afterall.

Life just continues on its way...

It's amazing how life just doesn't stop, not even for the most tragic of things, even though so badly you want it to stop and rewind, or just make it seem like other people are not oblivious to your pain.   The pain of losing Oakley has subsided for the most part, although seeing certain pictures or thinking of certain memories are still capable of making me cry.  Last Friday, I picked up Oakley's ashes.  It was bittersweet to say the least in the sense that I hated that he was now just a box of dust, however, it felt like he was home again as I held what was left of him in my arms, close to my heart.  I cried for him, sitting in my car, wishing so much I could actually be hugging him close and giving him as many kisses as I could, burying my face in his neck.  John and I will be searching for a little box or urn of some sort.  I don't care what some people say, I would like to hang on to his ashes for awhile.

Last night was the 4th.  We usually take both dogs for a walk as we have a great place to watch the city's fireworks display in the neighborhood park.  It felt so strange for the 2 of us to just be walking Maya - no Oakley walking in front of John, and Maya in front of me, as was the normal way of things.  Walks are still very subdued; the excitement of them isn't the same without Oakley, who was always wanting to check out everything no matter how many times he's walked that same route.  Our little family has changed, that is for sure, and it's still taking some time to get used to it. 

You will always be in my heart, Oakley.  My special dog and companion, forever and ever.

Sara

1 week today...:(

Oakley,

It has been one full week since we lost you.  My heart still aches, but the pain is subsiding.  I don't want to ever forget you.  I will admit that it's a relief not to have the stress of constant worry nagging at me at every corner - are you going to eat your dinner, are you in pain, when is the cancer going to take you, will the alternative therapies work, etc.  Of course, if I could have you back I certainly wouldn't be complaining.  I would much rather have you here to take care of, to get lots of hugs and kisses from you, and to just keep me company and be by my side. 

It's been so quiet around here; I worry a bit about Maya, but she seems to be doing better each day and coming out of that shell of hers.  I am not sure when we will decide on getting another dog.  A part of me now just wants it to be the 3 of us as I think Maya would be fine on her own.  But, I do miss having a dog that loves attention, and loves to be the center of it!  LOL!  It was always about Oakley!  :)

I'm going to be working on a scrapbook soon.  I'd like to make an actual book of pictures of you, and all of us, throughout the 9 yrs we shared with you.  I received my books today about how animals do have eternal life.  I am looking forward to reading them and I hope they make me feel somewhat better.  I really want to believe with all my heart that I will see you again someday.


I still miss you and I will always love you, "Okie".


Sara

I miss you...more than ever

My Oakley-Doakley,

The last 3 days have been the most difficult of my life.  It is so hard not to have you here by my side, as you always were.  Maya is not herself and John is beyond crushed.  We are all so heartbroken that you are gone.  We love you so much.  We received a sympathy card from Dr. Johnston, the doctor who took care of you at the U.  We were blessed to have such a kind and caring person taking care of you.  I spoke to her yesterday and she helped me understand that we truly did everything that we could for you.  I didn't want you to suffer any more than you were; it wasn't possible to reverse what was inevitably happening.  Please know that I tried everything I could, my sweet boy. 

It comes in waves; deep sadness and lots of tears.  I feel like I am fine, but then all of a sudden I think of you and the tears start streaming down my face.  I have woken up sobbing - missing you so much that I can barely breathe.  I think how is it possible that you were taken from me so young.   I can't help but think that you were still just my little pup and had so much life to live.  It just seemed impossible that one day I was going to actually lose you.  Home just doesn't feel like home without you here.  It feels unfamiliar and strange.  I know it will get better and the sadness will subside, but I would give anything to be able to hold you one more time and give you a great big hug and kiss and tell you that I love you.  But, I know that wherever you are that you are happy; I have to believe that.   I'm sure that you are making many new friends and waiting patiently to see us again.  

You are forever in my heart, my Oakers.  We all miss you so much!!