Oakley,
It has been one full week since we lost you. My heart still aches, but the pain is subsiding. I don't want to ever forget you. I will admit that it's a relief not to have the stress of constant worry nagging at me at every corner - are you going to eat your dinner, are you in pain, when is the cancer going to take you, will the alternative therapies work, etc. Of course, if I could have you back I certainly wouldn't be complaining. I would much rather have you here to take care of, to get lots of hugs and kisses from you, and to just keep me company and be by my side.
It's been so quiet around here; I worry a bit about Maya, but she seems to be doing better each day and coming out of that shell of hers. I am not sure when we will decide on getting another dog. A part of me now just wants it to be the 3 of us as I think Maya would be fine on her own. But, I do miss having a dog that loves attention, and loves to be the center of it! LOL! It was always about Oakley! :)
I'm going to be working on a scrapbook soon. I'd like to make an actual book of pictures of you, and all of us, throughout the 9 yrs we shared with you. I received my books today about how animals do have eternal life. I am looking forward to reading them and I hope they make me feel somewhat better. I really want to believe with all my heart that I will see you again someday.
I still miss you and I will always love you, "Okie".
Sara
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I miss you...more than ever
My Oakley-Doakley,
The last 3 days have been the most difficult of my life. It is so hard not to have you here by my side, as you always were. Maya is not herself and John is beyond crushed. We are all so heartbroken that you are gone. We love you so much. We received a sympathy card from Dr. Johnston, the doctor who took care of you at the U. We were blessed to have such a kind and caring person taking care of you. I spoke to her yesterday and she helped me understand that we truly did everything that we could for you. I didn't want you to suffer any more than you were; it wasn't possible to reverse what was inevitably happening. Please know that I tried everything I could, my sweet boy.
It comes in waves; deep sadness and lots of tears. I feel like I am fine, but then all of a sudden I think of you and the tears start streaming down my face. I have woken up sobbing - missing you so much that I can barely breathe. I think how is it possible that you were taken from me so young. I can't help but think that you were still just my little pup and had so much life to live. It just seemed impossible that one day I was going to actually lose you. Home just doesn't feel like home without you here. It feels unfamiliar and strange. I know it will get better and the sadness will subside, but I would give anything to be able to hold you one more time and give you a great big hug and kiss and tell you that I love you. But, I know that wherever you are that you are happy; I have to believe that. I'm sure that you are making many new friends and waiting patiently to see us again.
You are forever in my heart, my Oakers. We all miss you so much!!
The last 3 days have been the most difficult of my life. It is so hard not to have you here by my side, as you always were. Maya is not herself and John is beyond crushed. We are all so heartbroken that you are gone. We love you so much. We received a sympathy card from Dr. Johnston, the doctor who took care of you at the U. We were blessed to have such a kind and caring person taking care of you. I spoke to her yesterday and she helped me understand that we truly did everything that we could for you. I didn't want you to suffer any more than you were; it wasn't possible to reverse what was inevitably happening. Please know that I tried everything I could, my sweet boy.
It comes in waves; deep sadness and lots of tears. I feel like I am fine, but then all of a sudden I think of you and the tears start streaming down my face. I have woken up sobbing - missing you so much that I can barely breathe. I think how is it possible that you were taken from me so young. I can't help but think that you were still just my little pup and had so much life to live. It just seemed impossible that one day I was going to actually lose you. Home just doesn't feel like home without you here. It feels unfamiliar and strange. I know it will get better and the sadness will subside, but I would give anything to be able to hold you one more time and give you a great big hug and kiss and tell you that I love you. But, I know that wherever you are that you are happy; I have to believe that. I'm sure that you are making many new friends and waiting patiently to see us again.
You are forever in my heart, my Oakers. We all miss you so much!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
April 12, 2001 - June 21, 2010 - Rest in Peace my Angel
Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. I lost my best friend and companion. I still cannot believe that he is gone. He had been sick for the past week and a 1/2. Not eating, a bit of labored breathing. I think my mistake was not taking him to the U right away; instead I went to our regular vet again. I hate to blame myself, but you have to wonder if you'd have done something different, would it have made a difference. But, I just didn't think that in less than a week's time after this visit that Oakley would be gone. She did xrays, bloodwork, etc, and put him on some antibiotics as his WBC was up to 29. We were not sure if it was the cancer or something else; we thought it was something else because it sort of just came out of nowhere. Oakley had been doing so well so it was a surprise that he got sick like this.
My regular vet wanted to take a wait and see approach and see if he improved with the antibiotics. Unfortunately, he wouldn't eat enough to take the pills down. By this past Saturday he seemed miserable; He was "abdominal" breathing and his nasal cavity was quite congested. I decided he need to go to the U immediately. He was admitted to ICU for the next 2 days and ended up going into an oxygen cage after the first night because he couldn't pull in enough oxygen. They also repeated xrays and bloodwork, and gave him fluids and antibiotics continuously via IV and biopsied his lymphnodes, which were very enlarged. Of course, we had to wait for Monday for any real answers to the tests they took as the radiologist and cytologist were not available on the weekends. But, our internal medicine doctor, Dr. Andrea Johnston, who was just so wonderful, said that it it looked like he had aspiration pneumonia based on the lung pattern. He was completely dependent of the oxygen and couldn't be removed from it. They had to put in a catheter because they couldn't even take him out to go potty anymore; he couldn't walk 2 feet without his tongue turning blue/gray. They continued to provide supportive care and kept him in his oxygen tank, but there was just no improvements.
Monday morning we got the results that the cancer was in both lymphnodes and it appeared possible that it had metastasized to the lungs as well, but they were not 100% sure on that. What ultimately was killing him was the pneumonia, I think. The next set of diagnostic testing was to test the sputum in his lungs. However, the doctor did not think Oakley could handle the procedure given that he was continuing to decline and showing no increased lung function. At this point, I asked her if there was any chance he would make it or if we need to consider to stop. She said that stopping was probably the humane thing to do. His body is just not able fight it; he is already immune-compromised because of the cancer and that is most likely why he couldn't fight off the pneumonia. So, my husband and I went to the U to spend some time with him, to hold him and give him lots of hugs and kisses. He recognized us and he gave me a kiss, but otherwise, he was just not himself. I know though he would have wanted to go home if we told him that was where we were taking him.
At 11:15, Oakley died peacefully in my arms. I said to him as he passed what a beautiful and wonderful dog he was and thanked him for the past 9 yrs, and I told him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. To be with him in the end is the only thing giving me any kind of peace about this. I know that he didn't die alone and I hope he had some kind of comfort knowing I was there. I know we tried everything that we could. Sometimes it is just not enough, but at least we tried. Once he passed, they rolled him into another room where myself, my husband and our other dog, Maya, could say our goodbyes. Maya sniffed him and I think she understood it was him and that he was gone, but who's to say. Otherwise, my husband and I spent our time crying, giving him his final hugs and kisses. We were able to take some locks of his hair, and they provided us with a little clay mold of his paw print with his name stamped into it. He will be cremated and we will get his ashes in a couple of weeks.
There are so many memories of Oakley. We have had him since he was 6 weeks old. I'm so grateful for the number of pictures I have of him; 100s upon 100s, and a handful of videos. A lot of life has been lived; it went by so fast. My home right now does not feel like home anymore without Oakley in it. It's empty and cold. I am sure it will get better as we replace these sad times with happy memories of him, but it's hard nonetheless to be here. No more smiling face to greet me each morning. No smiling face looking down from me on the stairs as I walk in the door each night. No more barks for food, water, or walks, or just for a good rub-down. No more of those cute little head tilts every time you talked to him making it seem like he understood everything that you said to him. And frankly, no more daily conversations with him. Oakley was so smart, and I swear he knew what we were saying. I am going to miss everything about him. My heart is truly in a million pieces.
Oakley, you were truly special and amazing. You brought us such happiness and love into our lives. We could never have asked for a better dog. You were perfect in every way. You weren't just a dog; You were our boy, our sweet boy. You will be forever loved and in our hearts. We miss you so much!!!
John, Sara & Maya
My regular vet wanted to take a wait and see approach and see if he improved with the antibiotics. Unfortunately, he wouldn't eat enough to take the pills down. By this past Saturday he seemed miserable; He was "abdominal" breathing and his nasal cavity was quite congested. I decided he need to go to the U immediately. He was admitted to ICU for the next 2 days and ended up going into an oxygen cage after the first night because he couldn't pull in enough oxygen. They also repeated xrays and bloodwork, and gave him fluids and antibiotics continuously via IV and biopsied his lymphnodes, which were very enlarged. Of course, we had to wait for Monday for any real answers to the tests they took as the radiologist and cytologist were not available on the weekends. But, our internal medicine doctor, Dr. Andrea Johnston, who was just so wonderful, said that it it looked like he had aspiration pneumonia based on the lung pattern. He was completely dependent of the oxygen and couldn't be removed from it. They had to put in a catheter because they couldn't even take him out to go potty anymore; he couldn't walk 2 feet without his tongue turning blue/gray. They continued to provide supportive care and kept him in his oxygen tank, but there was just no improvements.
Monday morning we got the results that the cancer was in both lymphnodes and it appeared possible that it had metastasized to the lungs as well, but they were not 100% sure on that. What ultimately was killing him was the pneumonia, I think. The next set of diagnostic testing was to test the sputum in his lungs. However, the doctor did not think Oakley could handle the procedure given that he was continuing to decline and showing no increased lung function. At this point, I asked her if there was any chance he would make it or if we need to consider to stop. She said that stopping was probably the humane thing to do. His body is just not able fight it; he is already immune-compromised because of the cancer and that is most likely why he couldn't fight off the pneumonia. So, my husband and I went to the U to spend some time with him, to hold him and give him lots of hugs and kisses. He recognized us and he gave me a kiss, but otherwise, he was just not himself. I know though he would have wanted to go home if we told him that was where we were taking him.
At 11:15, Oakley died peacefully in my arms. I said to him as he passed what a beautiful and wonderful dog he was and thanked him for the past 9 yrs, and I told him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. To be with him in the end is the only thing giving me any kind of peace about this. I know that he didn't die alone and I hope he had some kind of comfort knowing I was there. I know we tried everything that we could. Sometimes it is just not enough, but at least we tried. Once he passed, they rolled him into another room where myself, my husband and our other dog, Maya, could say our goodbyes. Maya sniffed him and I think she understood it was him and that he was gone, but who's to say. Otherwise, my husband and I spent our time crying, giving him his final hugs and kisses. We were able to take some locks of his hair, and they provided us with a little clay mold of his paw print with his name stamped into it. He will be cremated and we will get his ashes in a couple of weeks.
There are so many memories of Oakley. We have had him since he was 6 weeks old. I'm so grateful for the number of pictures I have of him; 100s upon 100s, and a handful of videos. A lot of life has been lived; it went by so fast. My home right now does not feel like home anymore without Oakley in it. It's empty and cold. I am sure it will get better as we replace these sad times with happy memories of him, but it's hard nonetheless to be here. No more smiling face to greet me each morning. No smiling face looking down from me on the stairs as I walk in the door each night. No more barks for food, water, or walks, or just for a good rub-down. No more of those cute little head tilts every time you talked to him making it seem like he understood everything that you said to him. And frankly, no more daily conversations with him. Oakley was so smart, and I swear he knew what we were saying. I am going to miss everything about him. My heart is truly in a million pieces.
Oakley, you were truly special and amazing. You brought us such happiness and love into our lives. We could never have asked for a better dog. You were perfect in every way. You weren't just a dog; You were our boy, our sweet boy. You will be forever loved and in our hearts. We miss you so much!!!
John, Sara & Maya
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